Hot and Cold Boys

The phenomenon of my love life is that I don't have one. I have a sex life, sure, but after 28 years on this planet we call Earth, Saturn still has no love life to speak of. And it hasn't been 4 lack of trying.

About a month ago at a club, a friend of mine made a startling realization. It was insight to a pattern that seems to happen with boys and myself. They run hot and cold. Severely hot and cold. One minute they'll be all into me, interested in pursuing something, calling me, going out with me, and then it's like someone flipped a switch. They just freeze. They're no longer interested, they stop calling and usually I never see them again. What prompted this on this particular night was a boy who I have always found incredibly attractive flirting with me. We were drinking, having a good time and, apparently, while I was in the restroom, my friend was telling this guy a little bit about me, you know extolling my virtues and saying that I was into getting to know a guy and looking for more than just a fuck, u know, basically get the 411 on what this boy was after. Well, apparently, he said all the right things because the boy was interested in the same things I was ... so he said. So, I return, the flirting continues. We touch, we drink, we laugh, it's going well. Then suddenly, it stops. He goes off talking to my friend and some other people ... which is fine, but as the night draws near an end, it's obvious he's avoiding me. My friend, who is very intrusive when he's drunk ... hell, even when he's sober ... manages to get from the guy the straight story ... he's really not interested in me at all. Hmmm, ok, no problem. It happens and I'm cool with that, but it was at this point that my friend made the realization that this happens to me ALL the time. And I had to think about it, and it was true! It doesn't usually happen like this scenario, usually there's a lot more involved than just a conversation at a club one night, but it always ends the same.

For just one example:

Just recently, I guy I've been wanting to talk to for a long time now showed some interest. We talked, we laughed, we touched, we flirted, we exchanged numbers. I called. We went out. Fabulous. I like him. He likes me. He wants to see me again. Excellent. He wants to see me again ... the next night. I think this is a bit unusual because most guys play the game of waiting and playing coy and all that crap which I hate, so I agree. Call me, he says, tomorrow and we'll go out. Great. A 2nd "date", if that's even what u call it anymore. That's always a positive sign. So, I call the next night and leave a message. He calls me back and cancels because he's tired. That's fine. I respect him because he had the courtesy to just call and say so instead of being a coward or insensitive and not calling back at all. So, we'll do it some other time, I say ... but wait, the signal dropped. Fucking cell phones. No biggie. We'll talk later. The next day, I call and leave a message just to say "hey." I was in a restaurant and they were playing a song he loved and I thought about him and I called to say so - in a cute "I'm interested in U" kind of way, not in a creepy "I'm obsessed with U" kind of way. U have to be careful ... there's a fine line there and I know better than 2 pass it. So, time passes. Days pass. I call a few days later, no answer again. I don't leave a message this time. He has caller ID and can see missed calls, I just want him to see that I called. So, more time passes. Nothing. Hmmm. So, I call yesterday and ask for a return call, saying that I enjoyed him and would like to see him again. I got the sneaking suspicion he wouldn't call. And that was my final call to him. I won't call again. And neither will he. And this is how it always ends. So, what happened? He went from hot 2 cold and it had nothing 2 do with me ... at least I hope. I mean, it couldn't possibly because I didn't even have a chance to do anything to push him away.

So, what is it that makes boys this way? Does this only happen with me or is it a universal condition? Am I intimidating? Am I 2 intense? Do I push 2 fast or expect 2 much? I don't have the answers, I can only make the observation that I can't find a boy who "sticks".

Now, I understand there is such a thing as "chemistry" and sometimes u have it, sometimes u don't. But honestly, the best thing to do is to just say so. Why is honesty so hard? There have been times when a guy has been interested in me and I haven't shared the same feelings. I'm honest about it though. It sucks and it's hard, but I just let the guy know, hey, I'm not feeling you that way. I don't end our date with a kiss, I don't say "call me" or "I'll call U" or "let's go out again" and not mean it. I don't constantly flirt and feel on someone I'm just not into. That's just wrong. So, why do boys do it 2 me?

Anybody have an answer? I'm listening ...


"Hello. Hello. Is there anybody in there? Nod if u can hear me. Is there anybody home?" - Scissor Sisters and Pink Floyd, Comfortably Numb

The HIV Test

I hate going to get tested 4 HIV. Even the times that I know I'm fine because I haven't engaged in what they like to term 'risky behavior', it's just something about the process that is completely nerve wracking. Especially the fact that they make you come all the way back out in person after waiting at least a week to get your results.

Well, I just had my regular bi-annual HIV test yesterday and I have to say they have definitely come a long way. No more needles, no more waiting 2 get your results. They simply stick this chemically coated cotton swab across your gums which tests for antigons, stick it in a clear solution, and badda bing badda bang, not even 5 minutes later you have your results! So, the panic zone has decreased from ten days to just under 5 minutes. Fabulous.

While there, I also debunked a few myths I've had. I've heard everything about the safety of oral sex concerning HIV ... a doctor once told me there's practically no way you can get it through oral sex, the chances are miniscule. I've had people say that as long as you don't get nut in your mouth, you're ok and some have said if U don't swallow U have nothing 2 worry about. So while there yesterday, I asked 4 some definitive information on the subject. Turns out they recently did a study and oral sex is a bit more risky for contracting HIV than they once thought. In the study, 7.8% of HIV- positive men (8 out of 102) contracted the virus through oral sex. So, while it is a much much less risky thing to do than say getting it up the bum, there IS still a risk. I wish I could remember the name of that doctor who told me not to worry about it all those years ago.

Secondly, a friend had me scared shitless cuz he seemed to believe that HIV can "hide" in your body for up to seven years without showing up on a test. Well, that's just not the case. It takes 6 weeks to 6 months for HIV to show up. If after 6 months from your last "indulgence in risky behavior" you're clean, than you're clean. Maybe what he meant was that you could have HIV for years without it ever turning into full blown AIDS. Well, that much I knew.

Third myth I debunked was "U can't get it if you're only a top." Well, while it is a lot less risky than throwing your legs over your head and getting it up the bum or, if you're a woman, getting in the pie-hole, there is still a risk. It's right above the risk level for oral sex.

Bottom line is ... wrap it up before you smack it up! Though I can only say that about anal sex. I don't think I could ever use a condom for oral sex. I mean, what would be the point? There's a lot of shit going around now through oral sex though. So, I guess u just have to be careful about what u put in your mouth.

And, something I didn't know, there is even a risk, albeit a smaller one, of contracting HIV through rimming. 4 those of U who don't know what rimming is, well then, u have nothing 2 worry about!

So, now my HIV test is done. I'm clean in body and mind and ready to go through the next six months being a lot safer and more cautious than I was these previous 6 months. That should be a little easier because my priorities are changing. I want something real, something meaningful, something deep. Well, I've always wanted that but I've always settled for less. No more. No more settling, damnit. I deserve better!

"Looking 4 love in all the wrong places. Putting your faith in things that only make u cry." - Prince, The Holy River.

WTF - IKEA Frenzy

Ok, I haven't posted in a week (I've had a rather shitty week), but there's no better way to start a week anew than with a fresh entry in WTF. In case U don't know, every Tuesday I dub WTF DAY and post a true story or event that just makes me go "what the f*ck?"

This week's entry comes via Chuck Shepard and the London Daily Telegraph: "...in the London suburb of Edmonton, 6,000 Ikea customers rioted, vying for on-sale sofas (80 percent off) and other bargains. Said one customer, "There were people diving on sofas" and "tugging at two different sides of the same sofa and shouting 'mine, mine.'" At least 20 people were taken by ambulance to hospitals. [Daily Telegraph (London), 2-11-05]

And here I thought only us Americans did stupid shit like this over a sale. Can u imagine having 2 explain 2 your boss why u have a broken collar bone: "Well, see, there was this really great sale on sofas at Ikea ..." I understand the mob mentality and everything, but over Ikea furniture? What the f*ck???

"It's mine! Mine all mine!" - Jane's Addiction

WTF - Another Columbine

I can't begin to grasp what must go through a person's mind when they commit an act like this. By now, I'm sure you've read about it, the boy in Minnesota who killed his grandparents and then went to school and started shooting up the place before turning the gun on himself. WTF? This has truly got to be one of the all time biggest WTFs because it just makes absolutely no sense. He wasn't stark raving mad, depressed, obsessed with Satan or any of those things according to the people who knew him. He was just a teenager. What's the driving force behind an act as senseless and horrible as this? As much as I'd like 2 know, I know that even if it could be defined it would still make no sense and I'd still be saying ...

What the f*ck???

Lil' Kim in the Pen?

Say it ain't so! All that glamour and raunch going 2 waste in a jail cell? No way. Apparently, miss thang up and lied in a court of law which is a severe no-no. So severe, she could get up to 20 years. Now, that seems a little extreme 2 me. Murderers and rapists will sometimes get less than that, but our judicial system, while the best in the world, still leaves a lot to be desired.

I wonder if her prison term will make her any richer like it did 4 Martha Stewart? She'll make a movie about prison life, I'm sure, LOL.

Read the full article here.

"Lil' Kim not a whore ..." Lil' Kim - The Magic Stick

WTF - School of Pot

So by now u've probably heard about that substitute teacher in Fresno, CA who got arrested for smoking pot in the classroom with his students, right? Well, u know what today is ... WTF day ... and I sincerely have 2 ask, what the f*ck was this nimrod thinking? Smoking with your students is cool and all, I had a couple of teachers like that, but in the classroom?? While school is in session? In front of the whole class? This dude must have had some truly bad weed in his lifetime for his brain cells to be that f*cked. Word is he may need that high while he's getting buttf*cked by his new best friend Bubba in the pen.

Read the full story of this dumbass here.


"Pass the blunt 2 da left hand side." - my girl Missy Elliot, Queen of da Weed

What Kind of Faggot R U?

I'm a Hunky Faggot! Oh hello. I am completely gorgeous. You may touch me for a nominal fee, although I’d prefer that you were at least as hot as I am. I was genetically engineered for pleasure. Mine.

What kind of Faggot are you?
Brought to you by Pushing Through

Horoscope Had It Wrong

As a follow up to yesterday's post about my horoscope saying I would meet the love of my life or a close contender yesterday, I'm unhappy 2 say it was wrong, dead wrong. Alas, yesterday was just a day like any other.

But I shan't give up hope! One day my prince will come! (and hopefully he'll be with me when he does! HAHA! ;-) )

still waiting ...

True Love Calling

I just read this (thanks to Out.com) - it's my horoscope for today:


Scorpio October 24-November 22
You love sex, maybe more than any other zodiac sign, but you want much more than a lifetime of orgasms. You hunger for true love. And you just might find it today—or a close contender.

I'd give anything 4 this 2 be true (the finding true love today part. We all know they're right on the money about loving sex!) So, I have just 3 words 4 TPTB in the zodiac heavens ...

BRING IT ON!!

WTF - Wacko Jacko

Ok. Today for WTF Day I have 2 make an entry about one of the biggest WTFs of the entire century ... Michael Jackson and his bizarro obsession with boys. I was reading this article on MSN and scratching my head saying WTF. Read it and U will 2. I used to be on the fence about whether or not I thought he was guilty, but the more stuff I read from the trial and thinking back to the ridiculous Martin Bashir interview, I'm starting to actually garner an opinion. I'll keep it to myself 4 now.

This is funny. We were talking in the office this morning about the testimony in this article and a co-worker commented on the part saying that Michael Jackson walked around naked with a hard - on by saying, "Gross! That's one part of him I NEVER EVER want 2 see!" That got me thinking, so I asked, "Hmmm, I wonder what color it is? Black? White? He's so arrogant he probably has it so it changes color when it gets erect."

Ok, yeah, that's gross, but it was funny as hell. I had 2 share.

Some of the stuff the boy's brother testified is so off the wall, pun intended, I don't know how he could have made it up. But, I guess, anything is possible.

It will be interesting 2 see how this plays out 4 the one-gloved man. At the end of it all, though, I'll still be saying ...

What the F@ck??!!!

Video Premiere on Out of the Closet TV!

That's right! The music video for my song "Art" is now featured right here on Out of the Closet TV!! Check it out and let me know what U think!

Take my picture ...

Does God Love Homosexuals?

The other night I went to a business opportunity conference to check out this private franchising thing I'm getting into. It was wonderful, I was very excited and the speaker was a gifted and charismatic speaker ... and also very religious. Now, I don't mind that. I have my own faith and he was able to use the Bible to illustrate his points very effectively. In addition to making gobs of money, this is a company that thrives on helping people as well, which I think is very cool. But near the end it started to be a bit heavy 4 me, mainly because it reminded me too much of when I actually went to church ... and ultimately why I left.

My family's church is pentecostal. When I was very young, I was at church all the time ... until we moved to TX ... but those teachings moved with me. The pentecostal church ... just like most religions ... have always preached and really believed that to be a homosexual was to be an abomination ... to be gay was to be damned ... we occupied like the ninth ring of Hell or something crazy like that. Now, I spent most of my teenage years being afraid, hating myself and tyring to change into something I was not. I was a not a very happy person. I was not very outgoing, I didn't have a lot of friends, if any, and sex? Forget about it. I didn't even kiss another man until I was 21. So, it took a very long time for me to come out of that religious dogma and accept myself for who I was. Once I did do that, however, my whole life changed.

So, I no longer fear Hell or what anybody thinks of me ... and here is why. 4 me, being gay is like being black. It's part of my DNA. I can no more change my sexual orientation than I can change my skin color. Ok, so maybe Michael Jackson can change his skin color, but nobody else! I know that other people's experience may be different than my own. The truth is I was gay before I even knew what "gay" was. I can remember all the way back to Kindergarten having a crush on my best friend "Tyrone". Nothing traumatic happened to me in my childhood, I liked boys all through grade school and in 7th grade, I found out what the word "gay" meant ... and I began to understand why I always felt so different than everyone. That's when all the self hate started ... between that and church. One of the many many things I don't understand is how a church of love can breed such hate? That's another subject entirely though.

So, I'm sitting in this conference Thursday night, and it starts stirring up all these old feelings and these fears that I thought I had long left behind. The fact is I still believe in God. I still believe in Jesus Christ. But that's where it ends. I don't know what else I believe anymore. I can't imagine that I would be damned just by being born ... and in essence that's what I believe it boils down to. I was born gay ... so why would God hate me when he created me? To ask that question in my church was basically to blaspheme. I mean I've heard it all ... from the obvioius "it's a choice u make" to "boy, u have demons on you!"

So, I'm trying to somehow reconcile my spirituality with my sexuality and I really don't know where to begin. I mean, it would really really suck if I am damned cuz eternal fire doesn't exactly sound like a Sunday afternoon on the beach. So, please, if you have any thoughts, chime on in. Let me know what you think. I love a good dialogue!

"All of the sadness over, I'm finally free..."

My Girl Halle

So, I guess the opposite of being a "poor loser" is being a rich one, eh? I'm a huge fan of Halle Berry, I mean, there's only maybe 4 or 5 women that could momentarily make a straight man out of me and she is one of em! So, it was great to see her have the grace and the class and the sheer ghettofabulousness to go accept her razzie for "Catwoman". Watch the video as she holds her Oscar in one hand and her Razzie in the other and tearfully starts her acceptance speech.

I just have 3 words 4 U, Halle: U GO GIRL!

ps. don't bother calling me Sunday night cuz I'll be watching Halle conquer one of my favorite books - Zora Neal Hurston's "Their Eyes Were Watching God". Just fabulous!!

Pillsbury Doughboy's Obituary

This is just 2 cute:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

courtesy of justplainfolks.org

WTF - Yet Another Story About Spunk

Today's WTF entry comes courtesy of the Chicago Sun Times (thanks, BL!). They have a story about this woman, a doctor no less, who has an affair with another doctor. It's a short - lived affair and they pull Monicas, meaning they only have oral sex, meaning this woman did a little stint on her knees. The other doctor, as it turns out, is married and when she finds out, the affair ends. But that's not where the story ends, oh no! The woman conceives this man's child. How is that possible you ask? Well, she didn't swallow. In fact, she was cunning enough to somehow use the guy's load to inseminate herself and conceive his child. The DNA tests prove it's his. And now he's suing her, claiming "her actions robbed him of sleep and caused him to have trouble eating. He is haunted by "feelings of being trapped in a nightmare," court papers state."

Oh, brother. I'm not making this up. This is seriously in the Chicago Sun Times. Just click here to read the entire article. I see a Lifetime movie in the making here!

My absolute favorite part of this whole article is this last little bit:

But the judges agreed with the lower court's decision to dismiss fraud and theft claims against Irons.
They agreed with Irons' lawyers that she didn't steal the sperm.
"She asserts that when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift-- an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee," the decision said. "There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request."

I just have 3 words ... what the f*ck???